


But I can't!

by Echo_Winchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fighting, Nephilim, Sam and Dean argument, Season 13 spoilers, broken!dean, but I can't, depressed!Dean, episode 3 spoilers, meta story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 05:34:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12524136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Echo_Winchester/pseuds/Echo_Winchester
Summary: I felt so sunken and distraught over Dean and his grief after the end of Season 13 episode 3, that I feel like if I didn't write this fic for myself, I'd explode.I can't begin to describe how badly I want to hug him... But I can tell it like a story. So enjoy me just inserting myself into this situation, and assuming what happens afterwards.





	But I can't!

**Author's Note:**

> *SPOILERS*

Dreading the silence in my room, I searched through youtube on my phone in hopes I could find a decent series of songs to drown out the quiet. As I scrolled, I put my headphones in, deciding I wanted to make a sandwich and hang out in the kitchen. Quickly, I stuck my charger in my pocket, and turned on a playlist of one of my favorite bands. I nodded along, solemnly, taking in the message and trying not to feel the ache in my chest at how the words go with our situation... especially Dean's. I swing my jacket on, tug my binder down, and stick my phone in my pocket. I close my eyes, mouthing along instead of my usual singing so I don't disturb anybody.  
  
_A hospital bed_  
_A room filled with flowers_  
_Every monitor beep keeps the time as I count down the hours_  
_The petals they weep_  
_they're uprooted like me_  
_And I'm cut from the cord of their mother_  
_Who created everything._  
  
I close my eyes, noding along, and swallowing the lump in my throat. I wasn't there. I didn't help. But there would've been nothing I could do to protect any of them.... Honestly, if I had gone, I would've been another casualty for Dean to worry about- In that way, I'm glad I stayed away from the house.  
  
_If you won't save her_  
_Please just take her away..._  
  
Still, it's hard to hold back the tears for Castiel. He was Dean's best friend, yes, but I loved him too. He looked like he gave the warmest hugs. Had the brightest smile... A tear fell as I continued to mouth along to the words.  
  
_She pulls me close_  
_Says that she loves me_  
_That she wishes to still be around on the day that I marry_  
_Tighty she holds_  
_But the plan still unfolds_  
  
_Cutting the cord from the mother_  
_Who gave me everything..._  
  
I'm choking back sobs as I round the corner, spying Jack. I turn down the volume and wipe my eyes so he won't see. Between Sam's insane attempt to train an nephilim to use his powers, and Dean's... harsh and consistent words... They both fail to realize that there's a scared human kid under all this power. I know Dean' can't see it... I know Sam's only focused on more. But I've been doing what I can to appeal to his humanity. He is a kid, after all. I've sat in his room a couple times, watching funny videos of animals with him, or watched comedy movies with him. I clear my throat.  
  
"Hey, Jack," I said, taking a headphone out and pausing my music. He looks up at me and gives me a sad smile. I tilt my head in confusion as I reach out to touch his shoulder. I'm about to ask what's wrong as I hear Sam's voice... Then Dean's.  
  
"...This freak." I jumped at the words. Dean's voice is low, dark. I move closer to Jack. "But I know how his ends, and it ends bad."  
  
"I didn't," Sam's voice interjects. I still, listening with Jack. There's a pit in my stomach, a part of me that wants to pull Jack away from this conversation... where it's headed. He doesn't need to hear this. My arms reach out to hold on to his, but my muscles won't work to tug him away.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I didn't. End. Bad. When I was the 'freak'. When I was drinking demon blood," My eyes close at the memories. I wasn't in this universe at the time... I had just seen those events unfold on the tv screen. My gip on Jack tightened a bit, but he remained still, watching. I saw his jaw tighten.  
  
"Come on, man, that's totally different," Dean dismissed. My jaw tightens too.  
  
"Was it? Because you could've put a bullet in me. Dad _told you_ to put a bullet in me, but _you didn't_! _You saved me!_ "  
  
"Jack," I whisper, nodding to come back down in the hall with me. I tried to think of things we could do to take his mind off of this... video games, music, stories... anything. Dean and Sam didn't know this, but I had been telling him stories about their life, too. About Bobby, Charlie, Benny, Kevin, Jo, Ellen. It's not my place, but I wanted him to know about times in their lives when they were happy. That this is just their grief process. Jack shakes his head, keeping quiet. I bite my lip.  
  
"So _help_ me _save him!_ "  
  
"You _DESERVE_ to be saved, _HE_ doesn't!" Dean's voice is cold. Harsh. There's a pain in my chest now. I hug Jack, cautiously, and he lets me. I'm too scared to say another word, in case Dean turns around and sees us there.  
  
"Yes he does, Dean, of _course_ he does!" I nod against Jack, hoping he knows I agree with Sam. I can tell that Jack is good. But I'm not going to fault Dean for saying what he's saying. I sigh, softly, wishing things turned out different.  
  
"Look, I know you think that you can use him as some sort of an inter-dimensional can opener- and that's fine. But don't act like you care about him! Because you only care about what he could do for you!" Dean's raising his voice and the pit in my stomach grows bigger. I try to tug Jack away again, but my feet won't work, and he won't budge. "So if you wanna pretend, that's fine. But me? _I can hardly look at the kid!_ 'Cause when I do? All I see is everybody we've lost!"  
  
I can't help it, tears are running down my face. Dean being in pain like this... It was barely something I could handle when this was just a show. Now it's real, staring us all in the face, and he's within arms reach... But I've been in Jack's position before. Of the kid listening to his family fight behind closed doors. It's an awful position to be in, especially if the fight is about you. So, I stay put as long as he does.  
  
"Mom _chose_ to take that shot at Lucifer, that is _NOT_ on Jack!" Sam's tone is getting defensive now. I shake my head and sigh. Sam, while he means well, doesn't get it. I tighten my grip on Jack, and he places an arm around me to hug back.  
  
"And what about Cass?" My chest stabs at his name. My muscles tense, and Jack tightens his grip on me, now.  
  
"What about Cass?" Sam questions.  
  
"He manipulated him. He made him promises- Said paradise on Earth!" Dean's tone is killing me. I can feel the pain in his voice, and I know Jack can too. "And Cass Bought it. And you know what that got him? _IT GOT HIM DEAD!_ " I close my eyes, tears fighting their way out.  
  
"Now you might be able to forget about that, _**BUT I CAN'T!**_ " Those words break the spell over my feet. I can't stand here anymore. I like Jack, I do. But Dean needs someone right now too. I let go, tears dripping down my face as I barge into the room. Dean's fighting back tears himself, staring at Sam with such intense eyes. I take Dean by the wrists, dragging him into the other hallway. He follows like a ghost in a shell- his movements are too light for someone carrying so much weight. It's like leading a ghost. Once we're out of Sam's sight, I cling to him.  
  
"Echo-," His voice breaks, and he sighs. I want to tell him to shut up and let me hug him, but I feel like those choices of words aren't going to help anything. Instead, I hug him tighter. His muscles tighten as he reluctantly hugs me back. I still into his arms, and stand there. My tears are staining his shirt, and I'm holding back sobs. Sobs for his pain. Sobs for his emotional state. Sobs for Cass. I bury my face in his chest; He wreaks of beer, but I don't care.  
  
Dean pulls me in tighter, resting his head on my shoulders. That's when I know I've made the right call. His muscles start to shake as I can feel him finally breaking down. I've tried to get him to open up on several occasions- I had only gotten here after I found a portal Jack had opened into this world. Finding them wasn't hard, since I knew where to find Jody. And I had a few episodes saved onto my phone to prove myself. The LARP episode with Charlie, The episode with Benny taking on his own nest, and a few others.  
  
Dean's now gripping me like a rag doll... It hurts, but I don't say anything. I just hold him tighter, and trace circles into his back, letting him sob.  
  
"I'm here, Dean," My voice breaks. "I'm here." I don't tell him it's okay, as much as I want to. I know he doesn't believe that, so it'd be too counter productive. "I've got you." We stay like this for a while, crying in each other's arms, before he straightens out, wiping the tears in his eyes. He doesn't look at me. "Dean?" he still doesn't look at me. I place a hand on his face, feeling the stubble scratch my palm as I lift his head up. "It's okay. I get it. I do." His jaw tightens, and I look into his olive green, bloodshot eyes. The skin around his eyelids are red and puffy, and he sniffles.  
  
"Thanks," he croaks out, then hugs me again. I wrap my arms around him, as protective and comforting as I can manage. He's much bigger than I am, but I do my best.  
  
"Love you, Dean." I say, quietly. He doesn't respond, and I don't expect him to. I just want him to know. I rest my head on his shoulder now, and I whisper it again. "I love you, Dean." His eyes close as he hugs tighter. 

  
That night, Dean locks himself in his room again. I bring him a sandwich in a Ziploc bag, along with some water bottles and a bottle of aspirin for that inevitable hangover. Dean's curled up under the covers, headphones on, and staring at the wall. I place the supplies on the nightstand next to him, and go to pick up all the empty beer bottles.  
  
"Don't." He says, his voice is gruff and low. I look up at him, heart shattering at the broken look on his face. "Leave'em." I sigh, but nod.  
  
"I brought you some stuff... In case you get hungry, or decide you don't want to give yourself an anyerism from hangovers..." He doesn't say anything, so I continue. "Mind if I stay and drink with you?" I guess he wasn't expecting me to ask that, because he shifts his gaze to meet my mine. "I got whiskey earlier... The apple pie kind, if you'd like to try some." He doesn't say anything, but he nods. "Okay. I'm gonna go grab it from the freezer, I'll be right back. Eat something, please?" I see him roll his eyes, but I don't pester him.  
  
I close the door, gently, and make my way to the kitchen. Jack is now sitting in the same spot I had left him, his eyes glowing yellow. I approach, cautiously.  
  
"Jack...?" He looks focused. He doesn't talk to me, but he breathes a name.  
  
" _Castiel._ " I tilt my head.  
  
"What about him?" Jack finally looks up, his eyes still glowing.  
  
"I'm going to find him. I'm going to fix this. I'm going to make this all okay again," Is all he says before he stands back up, and walks to his room. He closes the door, hard, and I hear the lock turn. I close my eyes and sigh. While I'm hopeful, I'm going to keep this too myself. If Jack isn't successful, there's no reason to even try to get Dean's hopes up. I grab my whiskey from the freezer, plus Dean's favorite, a glass and a tray of ice. I place them in one of the mini portable coolers the boys keep on the table, and make my way back. Before I open the door, I can hear Dean's voice. It's slurred, and deep. He seems to be on the phone.  
  
"I'll be fine, Jody. No, Echo's been... He's been helping. It's not much, but it's more than I'd ask for. _Yes_ I'm sure. Jody- No, you've got your own stuff to worry about... Please don-..." he sighs. "Fine. I promise.... I'll see'ya in a few days." Dean hangs up, closing his eyes and leans his head against the headboard. I open the door, holding up the cooler. I don't say anything, but I take the glasses out, filling them with ice, then pouring my whiskey into one glass.  
  
"Here," I said, handing it to him. "Try some."  
  
"Why the glass?" He says.  
  
"'Cause I'm not you," I chuckle. "I can't drink un-chilled whiskey. Tastes too... _blah_." He holds back a soft chuckle at the face I made , but at least I got one corner of his mouth to turn up slightly. "Try it." He puts the glass to his lips, and takes a sip. I praise myself in my head. It wasn't a smile, or even a grin. But it was a step in the right direction.  
  
"Woah," He says. "This is actually really good."  
  
"Right? Here," I take his glass and pour more. "Take that one." I make up my own.  
  
We sit for hours, and we drink. We drink my whiskey until the bottle is empty, then start on his. I let him tell me drunken stories about his adventures with Cass. He tells me stories about him that we don't get to see in the show. He actually smiles, telling me about some of the dorkier things Cass has done with them. His first trip to the movie theater, his first trip to the zoo, and how he'd try to talk to all the animals. Dean tells me about the mixtape and how one time Cass came home with flowers for Dean. I feel my heart swell with all these stories, and for the first time since that disastrous day, Dean smiles.  
  
"Thank you," he says.  
  
"Fer wha?" I reply. I'm a lightweight, but I tried to drink on his level. He's decently drunk, but I'm struggling to stay upright.  
  
"For... this. For all of it." He looks at me. "You didn't have t-" I cut him off.  
  
"Dean Wincheser," I try to state. " _You_ \- You need suppor too. You'v no idea how long I've wanted to give you a hug like that." He doesn't respond, but he looks down to think. I yawn, feeling the liquor hit me harder.  
  
"'Come'ere." He says. I scoot over, and he hugs me. I wrap my arms around him, and sink into his embrace.


End file.
